I think I've seen everything. . .

So, the corn refiners are on the defensive. Never did I think I would see the day where there would be a commercial in defense of high fructose corn syrup. Come on now! Why are they so intent on killing us? More on high fructose corn syrup later. . .

So much on my mind that I can't recline. . . .

MAN! So much has been going on! I've been wanting to blog it out, and haven't been able to. It seems like things are calming down now, tho. Here are the highlights:

We have to move. . . AGAIN! We just moved into this house in February, and we really like it. Amani loves it. He knows where everything is, and how to get where he wants to go. But apparently, our landlord is a fraud. Not only does he not own this house thereby having no authority to rent it out, but he was living here RENT-FREE! So HUD/PEMCO, the actual owners of the house, informed us that we have 60 days to vacate the house. Then, on top of all this, our "landlord" doesn't want to return our security deposit in full! So, DRAMA.

Then, a couple weeks later, we get into an accident, on the interstate, at night, in the rain, with an EIGHTEEN WHEELER! He decides to switch lanes, although his mirror is fogged up and he can't see our car right next to him. Thankfully, I saw him coming over and I swerved quickly enough to avoid him slamming into my door. He clipped the rear driver's side of the car, causing us to spin across the interstate from the far right lane PAST the far left lane, stopping INCHES before hitting a concrete wall separating two interstates. The damage to the car was minimal. Needless to say, we were all so beyond blessed that it didn't end much worse.

I've spent the past few weeks trying to figure out how to afford school this semester. End result: no classes, just work.

On the positive side of things, I've almost completed my doula training. I'm back on my path spiritually, and I feel as though I've once again found my life path. We're still looking for a new place, but I feel calm about it. I've prayed on it, and I have faith that the universe will provide.

Now that there are considerably less stressors in my life, I will try to be more on top of blogging.

And if you haven't yet, and don't know about it, check out www.criticalresistance.org, and get registered for CR10!!

Be blessed!!

Amani's Birth Story

I've been meaning to post this here for quite some time. . . 

So, Amani Clinton Jackson was born Monday, May 7, 2007 at 1:55 am. I woke up Sunday morning cramping, but not really worried, since I had been cramping in the mornings for the past couple days. My mom was driving into town that day, and so I spent the day waiting on her, and getting baby stuff together.

At about 2:30, I realized that I had been cramping and having Braxton-Hicks contractions pretty consistently. I called my midwife, and she told me to try drinking lots of water and sitting in the tub; if the contractions stopped, then I simply needed more fluids, but if they didn't the baby would come that night. My mom was not that far away, so I decided to wait for her to find the house.

My mom got to our house at about 3, at which point I started drinking my water. I drank a half gallon in an hour, and then got in the birthing pool for an hour. When I got out of the water at 5, I was still having contractions. About an hour or two later, I went into active labor.

I decided to wait it out before asking the midwife to come over. I figured I would try to take a nap, since I knew that I would be laboring late into the night. Unfortunately, sleep and contractions don't go so well together. I finally broke down and called the midwife.

When the midwife arrived about an hour later and checked me out, I was completely dilated and Amani's head was was ready to come out. The only thing standing between active labor and transition was my bag of waters, which did not seem to want to break. First my midwife tried to break it, but couldn't get a grip, so we decided to try to make the contractions stronger so that it would break on its own. I sat on the toilet to see if that would help. That definitely made the contractions stronger, but my bag of waters wasn't breaking, and the pain was really intense.

Demetrius tried rubbing my back, and he let me hold onto him really tightly, but eventually I decided that the toilet wasn't working. I hopped in the shower for a while like I had planned to, but the water wasn't strong enough to have the effect that I wanted. Demetrius ran a bath for me, and poured warm water directly onto my belly, which helped A LOT. Finally I decided that we should try to manually break the bag of waters again. This time it worked.

After we broke the bag, I lied on my side in the bed for a few minutes. Suddenly I became extremely nauseous and my mom helped me to the bathroom. The midwives heard me vomiting and announced that I had reached transition and it wouldn't be much longer.

At that point, Demetrius and I got in the birthing pool where I would finish laboring. The contractions became stronger and closer together. After a few minutes, I began to get the urge to push. I leaned into Demetrius and held tight as I pushed the baby out. I pushed and pushed, and Demetrius and I constantly checked for the baby. Feeling his little head for the first time was amazing!! I continued to push until he was crowning.

This is where things became the most difficult. Trust me, they don't call it the ring of fire for nothing! He was what is called a compound presentation, meaning he was born with his hand beside his head. Of course this made him a little more difficult to push out. I had to readjust my whole point of view to make it through this part. Rather than concentrating on the pain, I spoke to my son, telling him that he and I had to work together to get him out. I changed positions to make myself more comfortable as Demetrius coached me the rest of the way. Finally Demetrius was holding his head and guiding him out.

Demetrius lifted Amani out of the water and laid him on my chest. This was all the most beautiful thing ever. We got out of the water, we both held him for a while, he nursed, and finally at about 2:30 I delivered my placenta. I continued to breastfeed, and when it stopped pulsating, Demetrius cut Amani's umbilical cord.
After he ate, our midwife checked him out and weighed him. At birth, Amani was 7 lbs, 1.5 oz, and 19 inches long. He was (and still is) the most precious little person I've ever seen.

I feel sooooo fortunate to have given birth to my little angel child. And, even better, I got to have the birth that I wanted. I am eternally grateful to my love, Demetrius, my mom, my midwives, and, of course, to Amani, for supporting me through the pregnancy and throughout the birthing process. Birthing Amani was such a sacred experience, and I will cherish every part of it, every memory, every picture, every stretch mark.

Don't let anyone tell you that home births are not safe, and that you have to subscribe to the medical model and put your pregnancy and birth in the hands of a doctor or a hospital. Don't believe that birth is not possible without drugs, surgeries, and IVs. With the right support, any healthy person can have a natural birth in the environment that suits them the most. You can take charge of your own care and determine what you want your birthing experience to be. I heard so many negative comments when people heard that I was having a home birth. But I put it all out of my mind, knowing that people had been laboring without hospitals for centuries, and continued to do so. And I am beyond pleased with the outcome.

Spend more time, less money

Life is good.  The ancestors always provide.  We didn't know if we would be able to make it two whole weeks on the money we had.  But guess what.  We did!  I think it was an exercise in what we need vs.  what we want.  We spend a lot of extra money on things that we don't need.  You really don't need to make a billion dollars to live.  The key is prioritizing and cutting down on consumption.  Do less needless driving, spend less on gas.  Cook, spend less eating out.  It seems simple enough, but we live in such a convenience culture.  Right now, right now.  Everything must be done right now, and it must be done for me.  But you know what?  When we spend a little more time, inconvenience ourselves a little, not only do we spend less money, but we find we have more time.  More time to do the things that honor us, our families, our communities.  Less time to do the things that do not serve us or the world.  More time in quiet solitude, less time in front of the TV.  More time cooking good food, less time eating fast food-like substances.  More time loving each other, less time bickering and fighting.  More time, I think, is the key (or at least one of them) to healing this world.  But in a society consumed by capitalism, nobody has enough time (or so we think).  Nobody has enough money (or so they tell us with this news that we are in a recession).  People don't even have enough food (as ridiculous as that is).  The Creator is brilliant and magnificent.  She did not put is in a world where time, food, and love would be in short supply.  These are concepts of human invention.  We created it, we can destroy it.  Time is on our side.

Be well!

Responsibility

Yesterday, my family had a gathering that began with a memorial to our ancestors, and ended with a conversation discussing commercial hip hop and it's effect on youth. This was a very telling series of events. It brought me to the statement that so many hip hop artists make to defend themselves when this topic arises: "It is not my responsibility to raise your kids." I hate this statement. It is a cop-out, a way to not take responsibility for one's art. And truly, it's just not true. Because see, no matter how much we might support artistic license, here's the rub: It is the responsibility of every adult, every Black man and woman, to raise this community. It is not a responsibility that one can accept or reject. It is not one that a person can choose or not choose. It simply is. Our ancestors did not choose the responsibility of ensuring a people's survival through the Middle Passage. They did not choose the responsibility of keeping a people's head held high through enslavement and Jim Crow. But had they not lived up to it, where would we be? These are the ones on whose shoulders we stand. If we would only take a moment to look up (look up! look up!), we would realize that, whether or not we like it, there is a generation or more of beautiful African brilliance, standing on our own shoulders. It is when we do not live up to our responsibility to them that the sky falls. Look up!

Odabo!

Haiku for the Brothas and Sistas

When we get to free

Will we shake hands or asses

Or just in our boots?

Public Service Announcement

18 and older:

you are too damn old

to be fighting in the streets 

unless you're fighting for freedom.

unfortunately, 

not many people watch those fights

on youtube.

13-18:

you are too damn young

to be fighting in the streets

unless you're fighting for freedom,

and frankly that's the only

type of fighting 

i can condone.

under 13:

watch us fight for you

when we are fighting for your freedom.

soak it all up.

one day soon

the fight will be yours.

Comfort Food

I want to stuff my face

with pizza and sweet things

and things that will give me gas

and nightmares.

I am afraid of 

failing falling losing

losing myself

winning disappointment

lizards

and the thing that lives under my house.

(although i think 

i could handle a lizard right now.)

On Living and Dying (But Mostly Living)

I went home this past weekend to attend the funeral of my best friend's grandmother.  The night I returned, I dreamt that I had recently lost a grandparent.  In the dream, my maternal grandmother informed me that my aunt and my paternal grandfather had been in a car accident, and they didn't think that he was going to make it.  I woke up feeling uneasy.  The next day, I was told that my maternal grandmother's sister (my grandaunt) was in the hospital battling double pneumonia.  I prayed, and called on my closest friends to pray with me.  Yesterday, she died.  It was very sudden, unexpected, wholly preventable.  I have learned so many things.

We have got to listen to our bodies!  We have to know when things don't feel right.  That doesn't mean we should run to the doctor every few days.  It does mean that we should spend some time paying attention.  When I stay up late, I feel like. . .   When I eat this, I feel like. . .  When I'm around cats, I feel like. . .  I'm really tired, maybe I should . . .  Our bodies send us sooo many messages.  It is so important to be in tune with them.  Additionally, we have to know our histories!  "Okay, Greatgrandfather died of colon cancer.  Hmmmmm. . .  Maybe I should be more aware of my bowel movements.  Maybe I should cut back on dairy, and make sure I have enough fiber."  So on and so forth.  This stuff is so important!

The most important thing I've learned is that we have to be completely present in every moment, because all we have is right now.  We are not promised tomorrow, or tonight, or two minutes from now.  We have to pay attention, be aware, be present.  It is not enough to say I'm going to change my life.  It is imperative that we actually do it.  People (myself included) spend so much time thinking about how to get to point B five, ten, fifteen years from now, that we don't enjoy, we don't do now.  We get so many lessons and messages every day about the importance of planning for the future.  The entire idea, though, is built on the faulty premise that you can actually control your life.  The reality, however, is that we have very little control. 

 "You can have a pretty picnic, but you can't control the weather."

  

Well, you'd better enjoy that picnic while you can!  Once upon a time, I had a nice little plan for my life.  In fact, I had a plan A, B, and C.  And then there was a hurricane.  Shoot, didn't plan for that.  Things changed.  I was so busy holding on to my plan(s), that I was unable to adjust.  I was battling with a depression that very few people around me were aware of.  I could not get myself together for the life of me.  But the life of me did not stop.  It kept going.  And so I had to let go.  I had to realize where I was at that moment, what was going on in my life right then, and make some decisions.  They might not have been popular, they might have been life-altering, they might not have even been right, but they were mine.  And they made me happy.  And I was blessed because of them.

Sometimes I lose track of the things that I've learned due to all the melee in my mind.  That's when I have to get back to basics. :)

My ancestors talk to me in my sleep.  They tell me things that I need to know.  Last night, I dreamt of a big family gathering.  There was lots of love, lots of laughter, lots of getting reacquainted with folks you haven't seen in years.  There was sadness, awareness of a loss, but there was happiness nonetheless.

Ase.  

Playing catch up: Writing, Renting, and so on.

So much has been going on lately!  I never realized how hard it is to sit in front of this computer.  Normally, I'll have so many ideas.  I'll think to myself a thousand times a day, "I have to write that down!"  But I never do, and then I forget.  

A couple weeks ago, a professor of mine died.  He was so young, and so incredibly smart and talented.  I did not make it to his memorial service.  Instead, I vowed to honor him by taking some advice that he gave to my graduate class a year ago.  He told us to take fifteen minutes out of everyday and write.  It doesn't matter what it is, just as long as you write.  It doesn't have to be good, it just has to be something.  

So I've been trying to do that.  I figured that it shouldn't be that hard.  I've always loved writing.  I'm starting to feel like I've lost it, though.  For the past year, I've been suffering from the most intense writer's block.  I have these really dope thought processes about really random things, and I just want to share them, but as soon as I sit down to type, they vanish.  I guess I just need to do it.  Just follow Chet's advice.  Just write.  You can't get better unless you do it, right?

Here's my five-pronged strategy for becoming a better writer in the new year: 

1. Blog regularly
2. Write poetry
3. Work on my thesis
4. Pitch articles for CR10
5. Review books

Hopefully that will work out well.

We've been looking for a new place to stay.  In the past 3 days, we've looked at 12 houses.  I think we've seen maybe four we liked.  I feel good about it all, though, because we've given ourselves a nice cushion.  The last thing that I want is to be stressed out and not know where we're moving a few weeks before the lease ends.  I'm so ridiculously happy to be moving out of this house that I can't express it with words.  

The only thing I'll miss about living here, I think, is Amani's room.  I gave birth in that room.  There's a lot of emotion attached to that room.  There is definitely some sadness connected to leaving that room.  That's really the biggest downside to renting.  There will always be some memory, some part of you, that you leave behind when your lease is up.  So many things happen in six months, or a year.  You live, you love, you grow.  And then you leave.  I've lived so many places in the past few years, moved so many times.  I've left pieces of me all over.  I'm hoping that soon we'll have a place that is ours.  Someplace to gather up all the pieces that are left and rearrange them, reassemble them, admire them, make a better me.  Someplace to live, love, grow, and stick around for a while.  

(From time to time I realize that I've left a big chunk of me in New Orleans.  Hopefully I can go back and get it soon.  And maybe bring a big piece of the Crescent back with me.)

Things I've Learned Lately (from my Myspace blog)

• If you open yourself up to the universe and ask it for help, chances are it just might come through.
• When there are things that I can never seem to get around to doing, it usually means I shouldn't do them.
• I don't really know or trust my body, and it's unfortunate.  This is probably why I have issues with eating healthy.
• Sometimes we have to come full circle a few times before we realize that this is where we need to be.
• I have some deprogramming to do as relates to dealing with children (my own and other people's), but knowing is half the battle :).
• I'm a writer.  Always have been and always will be.  No need to keep dancing around it.
• Amani's an incredible little boy.  He amazes me everyday, mostly because he never does what I expect him to, and I never expect what he does.  Maybe I should stop expecting altogether.
• The less attention I give to the little short-term things, the more I get to enjoy the big long-term things.
• What's mine is for me and me alone.  Comparing myself to others is futile.
• Life is not a game to be played, but it is what you make it.  I plan on making mine spectacular.

Love.

Reflecting and Reassessing. . .

I've been reading alot and reassessing the way that I think about and relate to children.  I've joined a number of unschooling yahoo groups, and the concepts are so powerful.  This has caused me to also reflect on the way that I relate to other people in my life.

Today I realized that sometimes I can be quite judgmental.  I don't mean to be, but often I respond to a situation without stepping back and really thinking it through.  This judgment has affected the way that I relate to my partner.  I'll start by saying that he's a wonderful partner, and a great parent.  However, we're very different people, and we don't always come from the same place in approaching situations.  This is particularly true with parenting.  Often, he will respond to a situation in a way other than the way that I would.  I may not agree with his response, but at the core of it, I know that he has our son's best interest at heart.  When I react, I often do not acknowledge that this is true.  These instantaneous reactions tend to be laden with judgment and lacking trust, and do not come from a place of loving partnership.  I've learned that I have to step back and trust that he loves our son and is doing the best that he can with the tools that he has.  While I can be honest about when and why I disagree, and suggest alternative methods and tools, it is imperative to remember that we are partners, and my responses should always be loving and not insulting or degrading.

Later in the day, I sat my son, Amani, in his walker and gave him a cup of water.  Soon after, he discovered that banging the cup can make the water come out!  By the time I saw what he was doing, there was water all over him, his walker, and the floor.  Instinctively, I grabbed the cup from him and ran in the kitchen to get paper towels so that I could clean up his "mess."  Then I stopped and asked myself, Why am I so worked up?  It's only water!  He's having a great time splashing the water, it's not hurting anyone, and I can always clean it up when he's done!  I realized that, even though I am letting go of many of my hangups around the way that he should and shouldn't "behave", I still have some work to do.  But, I'm so proud of myself for getting it in the moment before I ruined all his fun!!  **patting myself on the back**

Welcome to my blog!!

listen children

keep this in the place

you have for keeping

always

keep it all ways

we have never hated black

listen

we have been ashamed

hopeless tired mad

but always

all ways

we loved us

we have always loved each other

children all ways

pass it on

-- "listen children" by lucille clifton

i have been compelled to express my thoughts, feelings, experiences and observations through writing.  i am thrilled to be able to share this, my keeping place, with you.  i hope that something you find here, some idea, some lesson, is useful enough for you to tuck away always in the place you have for keeping.

pass it on.